JayLynn E. Loves

Sometimes I think writing things down, for the sake of keeping my body from going into shock, is probably the best solution to keep myself from going under.

Right now, I feel so overwhelmed and jolted with rage that I want to break something into a million pieces. I don't want to be in a relationship where the love has diminished like a puff of smoke, disappearing into nothing.

Am I wrong for putting all of this into words? Am I wrong for feeling so much anger and hatred toward everything and everyone around me?

This is why I hate being in what feels like a hopeless marriage with my so called husband. We both can't seem to let go of things, and we have so much bad history between us that it feels like a never-ending cycle of hopelessness.

What is the point of being together if there isn't any real love left in the relationship? Nobody is happy. There is too much crap, too much indecisiveness, and too many problems that nothing makes sense anymore.

What am I supposed to do with all these feelings? Am I supposed to continue holding everything in, or should I finally stand my ground and stop taking crap from anyone, especially Mika?

Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

I know I've made too many mistakes and bad choices in my life, and I'm learning to deal with the consequences of those decisions. But right now, I'm at a point where I just don't care anymore.

No matter what I do, anger seems to take over, and somehow, everything becomes my fault. At this point, I don't want to back down because I'm too tired of dealing with the same bullshit over and over again.

Sometimes, I understand why my mom treated my dad the way she did. And to be honest, I don't blame her one bit. When disappointment, foolishness, and the same problems continue happening, it makes sense why people eventually react the way they do.

Lashing out in anger, yelling, walking away, never coming back, or simply giving up on everything just to find some kind of peace and refuge.

I'm not saying those reactions are always right, but I understand how someone can reach that point.

I know there are many ways to defuse a situation. But when you're constantly the person who has to bite their tongue, swallow their feelings, and keep quiet just to avoid another argument, eventually enough is enough, right?

All he wants to do is talk, but when I finally get the chance to express myself, he cuts me off. So what's the point of talking if I'm not being heard?

Everything just keeps building up until it turns into another horrible blowout.

I don't have my mom here anymore to help me defuse my anger, calm my thoughts, or help me make sense of everything I'm feeling. And everyone else seems to be dealing with their own problems and drama.

Sometimes, I feel like I have nobody to turn to.

Even prayer hasn't been calming my heart lately. And that hurts because prayer is something I've always believed in. But lately, I don't feel anything, not even spiritually. It's like I'm emotionally and spiritually numb.

I'm just tired.

Tired of the disappointment. Tired of the arguments. Tired of pretending things are going to get better when the same problems keep happening. Tired of trying to understand everyone else while feeling like nobody is trying to understand me.

I'm tired of feeling like nobody cares about what I'm going through, yet somehow, I'm still expected to care about everyone else's feelings, problems, and needs.

And to me, that's bullshit.

I don't want to keep living in anger. I don't want to become someone who is constantly filled with resentment and hatred. But I also don't want to continue living a life where I feel unheard, unloved, disrespected, and emotionally exhausted.

I want peace. I want to be able to breathe without feeling like another problem is waiting around the corner.

I want to feel like myself again.

Maybe writing everything down is the only way I can release what is building inside me without allowing my anger to destroy something, someone, or even myself.

Because right now, I don't have all the answers. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I don't know what will happen to my marriage.

All I know is that I'm hurting, I'm angry, and I'm exhausted.

And somewhere underneath all this rage, I'm just trying to find a little peace for myself.