JayLynn E. Loves

It's that time of year again when the holidays seem to be wrapped up into one big ball of interesting chaos.

Today is Halloween, and it's been quite a while since I've openly mentioned or celebrated it. For some reason, this time of year has brought out some deep thoughts and feelings within me. Not necessarily in a bothersome or chaotic way, but in a way that has made me reflect on my life, my choices, and the constant struggle between light and darkness.

Throughout my life, I've always struggled with the good and bad things that have surrounded me. Some of those struggles have brought tremendous heartache, confusion, and pain that I honestly didn't know how to deal with.

Growing up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was a blessing in many ways. It gave me a foundation of faith and taught me the importance of God, prayer, and making good choices. But at the same time, my upbringing wasn't always easy.

There was family drama, judgment, and certain expectations that made life difficult. I made decisions that weren't always pleasing to the very people I was supposed to call family.

I don't blame my mom for the choices I made. Yes, we butted heads, and there were times when we didn't see eye to eye. But looking back, I realize that much of my rebellion came from frustration, hurt, and the judgment others placed on my mother for raising four children as a single parent.

I didn't appreciate people judging her or questioning how she raised us. They didn't know everything she went through, the sacrifices she made, or the struggles she carried. And truthfully, I didn't care what they thought.

But beyond the family drama, I was also fighting my own personal demons.

My appearance, my weight, my abilities, my health, my thoughts, my upbringing, my family, and so many other things became struggles within myself. There were simply too many to count.

The constant battle between light and darkness made my perspective on life difficult.

Why was it so difficult?

Because I honestly didn't know how to deal with any of it.

There were times when even the simplest decisions felt overwhelming. I struggled to understand my own feelings, my purpose, and why certain things were happening in my life.

Because of my upbringing, I turned to prayer and tried attending church, hoping to find answers, comfort, or some kind of direction. But there were times when I felt like nothing was coming to me. I prayed, I wondered, and I waited, yet I still felt lost.

Eventually, I found myself turning toward things that I knew weren't good for me.

Drinking, drugs, sex, and other poor decisions became ways of escaping the chaos I was feeling inside. At the time, those choices seemed like the easiest way to avoid dealing with the pain, confusion, and frustrations of my life.

But escaping something doesn't necessarily mean you've overcome it.

And that's something I've had to learn.

It became one of the biggest spiritual tug-of-wars of my life.

For years, I felt plagued by personal demons, temptations, regrets, and confusion. I wanted to find the light, but sometimes I felt so surrounded by darkness that I didn't know where to begin.

Even after getting married, those struggles didn't magically disappear. I still found it difficult to change, to become better, and to understand what I truly needed to do.

I knew what I had been taught growing up. I knew the difference between right and wrong. But knowing something and actually living it are two different things.

And that has been one of my greatest struggles.

Years have gone by, and here I am today, still trying to figure things out.

I can't say that I've completely found peace or that I've overcome everything I've struggled with. Truthfully, I'm still learning. There are days when I feel a little closer to God, and other days when I feel spiritually numb, confused, or distant.

But somewhere deep inside me, I still have that desire to find the light.

And perhaps that's where my hope begins.

I believe Satan, the Adversary, continues to tempt us, especially when we're emotionally and spiritually vulnerable. Sometimes I feel like the harder I try to turn toward God, the more difficult the struggle becomes.

There are moments when I feel so numb that I don't even know how to respond to what I'm feeling. But I'm trying. Even when my efforts seem small, I'm trying to avoid the things that have pulled me away from the peace I've been searching for.

Today may be Halloween, a day when many people enjoy costumes, scary decorations, and the darker side of entertainment. I understand that for many, it's simply a day of fun and celebration.

But for me, it has become an unexpected reminder of my own spiritual battles.

It reminds me how easily darkness can become familiar when we've spent so much time struggling within it. And how important it is for me to recognize what brings peace into my life and what pulls me away from it.

I don't want to continue living in a constant battle with myself.

I don't want my past mistakes, regrets, or personal struggles to define the rest of my life.

I want to find peace. I want to feel closer to God. I want to strengthen my faith and learn how to forgive myself for the things I cannot change.

Most importantly, I want to become someone who chooses the light, even when darkness feels easier.

I know this journey won't happen overnight. I may stumble, question myself, and struggle along the way. But I hope I never lose the desire to keep trying.

Because no matter how far I've wandered or how difficult life has become, I still believe that Heavenly Father hasn't given up on me.

And I don't want to give up on Him.

Maybe the greatest spiritual battle isn't just about recognizing the darkness around us, but learning how to find God's light within ourselves, even when we feel lost.

This Halloween, instead of focusing on the darkness, I want to reflect on the light I'm still searching for.

And no matter how long it takes, I pray that one day I'll find the peace I've been longing for.

Not because my life has become perfect, but because I've finally learned to trust God through all of its imperfections.

I'm still struggling. I'm still learning. I'm still trying. And through it all, I'm still holding on to my faith.