JayLynn E. Loves

 


Today was another important step in my medical journey, and I’m grateful to say that my appointment with the neurologist went well.

For the past 15 years, I’ve been living with back pain that has affected so many parts of my life. The pain doesn’t just stay in my back. It travels down my legs and into my feet, making everyday activities more difficult than they should be. Living with this kind of pain for so long can be exhausting, both physically and emotionally.

My next step is to get an MRI of my back so we can take a closer look at what’s happening and better understand the source of my pain. My last MRI was in 2018, and the results showed concerning issues, especially in my lower spine, where a herniated disc was visible. It’s been a long time since that scan, and I’m hopeful that this new MRI will give us a clearer picture of what’s going on today.

After years of dealing with this pain, I finally feel like I’m moving in the right direction. Meeting with a specialist who understands these kinds of back problems gives me hope that we can find a solution and, hopefully, some relief from the pain I’ve carried for so many years.

I know this journey may not be over anytime soon, but today I feel a little more hopeful. Sometimes, just knowing that you’re finally taking steps toward answers can lift a weight off your shoulders.

I’m praying for answers, healing, and the strength to keep moving forward, even on the difficult days. I want to enjoy life without constantly having to think about how much pain I’m in. I want to be able to walk, sit, stand, and enjoy the simple moments without my back and legs holding me back.

For now, I’ll take this one step at a time and remain hopeful for what comes next. After 15 years of pain, I’m thankful to finally be getting the attention and care I need.

One appointment, one step, and one day at a time. I’m holding on to hope that better days are ahead.

 





What a beautiful evening walk around the neighborhood with my brother, Henry, and his wife, Shela. ❤️ The cool breeze, the cloudy mountains filled with rain, and the gorgeous orange glow of the sunset made the evening so peaceful and beautiful. Sometimes, it’s the simple moments spent with family that become the most meaningful memories. Grateful for moments like these. 🌄🧡






Sometimes I think writing things down, for the sake of keeping my body from going into shock, is probably the best solution to keep myself from going under.

Right now, I feel so overwhelmed and jolted with rage that I want to break something into a million pieces. I don't want to be in a relationship where the love has diminished like a puff of smoke, disappearing into nothing.

Am I wrong for putting all of this into words? Am I wrong for feeling so much anger and hatred toward everything and everyone around me?

This is why I hate being in what feels like a hopeless marriage with my so called husband. We both can't seem to let go of things, and we have so much bad history between us that it feels like a never-ending cycle of hopelessness.

What is the point of being together if there isn't any real love left in the relationship? Nobody is happy. There is too much crap, too much indecisiveness, and too many problems that nothing makes sense anymore.

What am I supposed to do with all these feelings? Am I supposed to continue holding everything in, or should I finally stand my ground and stop taking crap from anyone, especially Mika?

Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

I know I've made too many mistakes and bad choices in my life, and I'm learning to deal with the consequences of those decisions. But right now, I'm at a point where I just don't care anymore.

No matter what I do, anger seems to take over, and somehow, everything becomes my fault. At this point, I don't want to back down because I'm too tired of dealing with the same bullshit over and over again.

Sometimes, I understand why my mom treated my dad the way she did. And to be honest, I don't blame her one bit. When disappointment, foolishness, and the same problems continue happening, it makes sense why people eventually react the way they do.

Lashing out in anger, yelling, walking away, never coming back, or simply giving up on everything just to find some kind of peace and refuge.

I'm not saying those reactions are always right, but I understand how someone can reach that point.

I know there are many ways to defuse a situation. But when you're constantly the person who has to bite their tongue, swallow their feelings, and keep quiet just to avoid another argument, eventually enough is enough, right?

All he wants to do is talk, but when I finally get the chance to express myself, he cuts me off. So what's the point of talking if I'm not being heard?

Everything just keeps building up until it turns into another horrible blowout.

I don't have my mom here anymore to help me defuse my anger, calm my thoughts, or help me make sense of everything I'm feeling. And everyone else seems to be dealing with their own problems and drama.

Sometimes, I feel like I have nobody to turn to.

Even prayer hasn't been calming my heart lately. And that hurts because prayer is something I've always believed in. But lately, I don't feel anything, not even spiritually. It's like I'm emotionally and spiritually numb.

I'm just tired.

Tired of the disappointment. Tired of the arguments. Tired of pretending things are going to get better when the same problems keep happening. Tired of trying to understand everyone else while feeling like nobody is trying to understand me.

I'm tired of feeling like nobody cares about what I'm going through, yet somehow, I'm still expected to care about everyone else's feelings, problems, and needs.

And to me, that's bullshit.

I don't want to keep living in anger. I don't want to become someone who is constantly filled with resentment and hatred. But I also don't want to continue living a life where I feel unheard, unloved, disrespected, and emotionally exhausted.

I want peace. I want to be able to breathe without feeling like another problem is waiting around the corner.

I want to feel like myself again.

Maybe writing everything down is the only way I can release what is building inside me without allowing my anger to destroy something, someone, or even myself.

Because right now, I don't have all the answers. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I don't know what will happen to my marriage.

All I know is that I'm hurting, I'm angry, and I'm exhausted.

And somewhere underneath all this rage, I'm just trying to find a little peace for myself.


 



Congratulations to my beautiful niece, Jennifer “JJ” Tupuola! ❤️ What a blessing to celebrate such a special milestone in your life surrounded by family, friends, and so much love. Watching you prepare for this beautiful journey with Marshall fills my heart with joy. I know you'll be an amazing wife, and I pray your marriage is blessed with endless love, faith, laughter, and happiness.

Love you always, JJ! Your forever begins soon! 💍💙

#JJAndMarshall #BridalShower #BrideToBe #JenniferTupuola #WeddingCelebration #FamilyLove #ForeverBegins #LoveAndMarriage #BlessedMarriage #WeddingMemories

 

What an amazing undefeated weekend for Kahuku Basketball! 🏀🔥 So proud of my nephew Noah #11 for giving it his all! ❤️ Huge congratulations to the entire team, especially for today's 50–41 win over Utah State Champions Westlake High! Keep shining, Noah! Proud of you always! ❤️💪🏽 #KahukuBasketball #RedRaiders #ProudAuntie #Undefeated



 


 


Sometimes, life just isn't easy.

You work so hard to get to where you are today. You push through struggles, make sacrifices, overcome obstacles, and do everything you can to build a better life. Yet somehow, tough times always seem to find their way back to you. Just when you think everything is finally going to be okay, life has a way of reminding you that apparently, it's not.

And just like that, life hits you like a ton of bricks.

The weight of everything becomes heavier and heavier by the minute. Sometimes, I find myself staring at my circumstances, wondering if I'm cursed or if I'm simply a magnet for problems. Because, at this point, I honestly don't know anymore.

When I look at everything happening in my life right now, it feels like I'm carrying one of the heaviest burdens I've ever had to face.

It's almost like looking through a glass window and watching myself walk toward a deep, dark hole. I can clearly see the danger ahead. I know what's coming. I know that if I keep walking, I'm going to fall. Yet somehow, I feel powerless to stop myself from heading straight toward it.

That's exactly how my life feels right now.

I can see so many problems unfolding right before my eyes, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find a way out. I can't go around them. I can't escape them. And when I try to take another path, those same problems somehow find a way to follow me, standing directly in my way as if they're determined not to let me pass.

And you know what? It sucks.

It absolutely sucks.

There are moments when I just want to walk away from everything, leave all my troubles behind, and never look back. I want to disappear from the chaos, the responsibilities, the disappointments, and the constant weight of trying to hold everything together.

But unfortunately, I can't.

Life won't let me.

Whether these trials are part of God's plan, the adversary's attempts to bring me down, or simply the hardships that come with living in this imperfect world, I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired of them.

I'm tired of constantly fighting battles I never asked for. I'm tired of having to be strong when all I want is a moment to breathe. I'm tired of trying to figure everything out when it feels like the answers are nowhere to be found.

And the hardest part? I know I can't just ignore what's happening.

Because ignoring these problems won't make them disappear. If anything, they'll only grow into something bigger, something more complicated, and possibly something I won't be able to fix.

So here I am, forced to face things I wish I didn't have to face, trying to find solutions when I barely have the strength to deal with the problems themselves.

And somehow, everyone around me seems to have all the answers.

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone knows what I should do, what I shouldn't do, how I should feel, and how I should fix everything. Sometimes, people speak as though they have some kind of godlike power to solve every problem, as if the answers are so simple.

But they're not the ones standing in my shoes.

They're not the ones carrying this weight, fighting these battles, or lying awake wondering how they're going to make it through another day.

I wish things were as easy as people make them sound.

People always talk about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. They tell you to keep going, to stay positive, to have faith, and to trust that things will eventually get better.

But what happens when you've been walking through that tunnel for so long that you can't even remember what the light looks like?

What happens when you're trying your hardest to hold on to faith, but the weight of your circumstances makes it difficult to see beyond the darkness?

I believe in God. I believe in His love, His mercy, and His promises. But believing doesn't mean I don't get tired. Having faith doesn't mean I don't feel overwhelmed. And trusting in Him doesn't mean I won't have moments when I question why life has to be so painfully difficult.

Right now, I'm in one of those moments.

I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm overwhelmed. And I'm struggling to understand why everything seems to be happening all at once.

I'm not asking for a perfect life. I'm not asking to live without challenges or responsibilities. I know life was never meant to be free of trials.

But is it too much to ask for a little peace?

Just one moment when I don't have to worry about what problem is waiting around the corner. One moment when I can breathe without feeling the weight of the world pressing against my chest. One moment when I can look at my life and genuinely feel that everything is going to be okay.

Heavenly Father, if You can hear the prayers I struggle to put into words, please hear this one.

I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to fix everything that's happening. And right now, I don't even know where to begin.

But You know my heart. You know my struggles. You know the burdens I carry, including the ones I never speak about.

Please help me.

If these problems cannot be taken away, then please help me find the strength, wisdom, and courage to face them. Show me the way when I cannot see a path forward. Help me recognize the things I can change and find peace with the things beyond my control.

And when I feel like I'm falling into that deep, dark hole, please remind me that Your hand is still reaching for mine.

Because right now, more than anything, I just want peace.

Not perfection. Not a life without trials.

Just peace.

And maybe, for today, that's the only prayer I have the strength to offer.

 


💙 A Basket Full of Love, Faith & Little Reminders for Your Marriage 🤍

To My Beautiful Niece JJ,

As you begin this beautiful new chapter of your life, I wanted to give you more than just a basket of gifts. Each item was chosen with love and carries a little message, a prayer, and a reminder for your journey as a wife.

My hope is that as you use these gifts, you'll remember the little lessons they represent.

🤍 White Basket — A Christ-Centered Home

White represents purity, peace, and new beginnings. Just as this basket holds all your gifts together, let Jesus Christ be the foundation that holds your marriage together. Always make room for Him in your home.

🩵 Light Blue Throw Blanket — Comfort & Security

May you always find warmth and comfort in each other's arms. Life will have cold and difficult seasons, but remember to cover each other with love, understanding, forgiveness, and prayer.

🤍 Hand Towel & Washcloths — Serving One Another

Marriage is built through small acts of service. Never underestimate the power of helping each other, especially when one of you is tired or struggling. Remember how the Savior washed His disciples' feet and taught us to serve with love.

💙 Blue Journal — Your Story Together

Your marriage is a beautiful story that you and your husband will write together. Fill the pages with prayers, memories, blessings, lessons, and answered prayers. One day, you'll look back and see how the Lord guided you both.

🩵 Breathe Deep Body Lotion — Remember to Pause

When life becomes overwhelming, take a deep breath. Not every disagreement needs an immediate answer. Give yourself grace, choose patience, and invite the Spirit into your conversations.

🐚 Light Blue Seashell Mug — Peace in the Everyday Moments

May this mug remind you to slow down and enjoy the simple moments together. Like the ocean, life will have calm waters and rough waves. Keep your faith anchored in Christ, and remember to make time for meaningful conversations.

💙 Blue Goodie Bag — The Little Things Matter

Inside are little reminders to care for yourself and your marriage:

  • Honey Lotion: Always be sweet and gentle with each other. Kindness goes a long way.

  • Blue Chapstick: Let your words be loving, encouraging, and uplifting. Speak with love, especially during disagreements.

  • Mentos Gum: Keep your love fresh. Never stop dating, laughing, and making memories together.

  • Gold Pearl Hair Clip: Remember your divine worth. You are a precious daughter of Heavenly Parents. Marriage adds to your life, but it never takes away your individual worth.

  • Fake Lashes: Never lose the sparkle that makes you YOU. Continue to see the beauty in yourself and in each other.

📿 Four Bracelets — Four Reminders for Marriage

  • Gold: Treasure your eternal covenants. What you build with God is more precious than gold.

  • Black Lava Rock: Stay strong through trials. Hard times can shape you, but they don't have to break you.

  • Turquoise: Seek peace, honesty, and understanding in your home.

  • Lava Rock & Blue Pearl: Marriage is a balance of strength and gentleness. Be strong when needed, but always leave room for tenderness.

🤍 Small White Goodie Bag — Reflect His Light

  • White Mirror: Whenever you look in the mirror, remember who you are: a beloved daughter of God. Never forget your worth or lose yourself while caring for others.

  • Scripture Chapstick: Keep the words of the Lord close to your heart and let your words reflect His love.

🕯️ White Three-Wick Candle — Faith, Hope & Charity

Let the three flames represent faith, hope, and charity. Keep these three burning brightly in your marriage. When the world feels dark, let the light of Christ guide you home.

🤍 Tissue Box — It's Okay to Cry

Not every day will be easy. There will be tears of joy, frustration, gratitude, and sometimes sadness. Give each other a safe place to feel, listen, and heal. You don't always have to be strong.

🖤 Manicure Kit — Take Care of the Little Things

Just as you care for your nails, take care of the little things in your marriage before they become bigger problems. Be quick to apologize, willing to forgive, and thoughtful in your actions.

💕 Always and Forever Body Spray — Love That Lasts

May your love always be remembered for its kindness, loyalty, and devotion. Choose each other daily, even when life isn't perfect. True love grows through commitment, sacrifice, and faith.

👑 Gold Paper Crown — Remember Your Divine Worth

This little crown is a reminder that you are, and always will be, a daughter of Heavenly Parents, with divine worth and eternal potential. Never forget the queen within you. Wear your crown with humility, kindness, grace, and faith. As you begin your marriage, remember that you are not only someone's wife, but also a beloved daughter of God. You deserve to be loved, respected, and cherished. May you and Marshall always treat each other as the precious children of God that you are. Never let life's challenges make you forget whose daughter you are.

🌟 Christmas Nativity Scene — Keep Christ at the Center

Of all the gifts in this basket, this is the one I hope you treasure most. As you build your home and future traditions, remember the Savior. Invite Him into your marriage not just at Christmas, but every single day. Pray together, worship together, and let your home be a place where His Spirit can dwell.

🍿 BOOM Popcorn — Keep Life Fun!

Marriage shouldn't be all work and responsibilities. Have movie nights, be silly, laugh until your stomach hurts, and enjoy the little adventures together. Never stop being best friends.

💋 Kisses Candy — Never Stop Showing Affection

Give each other kisses, hugs, compliments, and little reminders of love. Even on busy days, make sure your spouse knows they are loved and appreciated.

🥂 Sparkling Cider — Celebrate Every Blessing

Celebrate the big milestones and the small victories. Life is too short to wait for special occasions to be grateful. Make ordinary days worth celebrating.

🐻 Mini Gummy Bears — Bear One Another's Burdens

These little bears are a reminder to bear one another's burdens, as taught in Mosiah 18:8. Be there for each other through the sweet moments and the difficult ones. Marriage means learning to carry life's burdens together, with the Savior's help.


💙 My Prayer for You, JJ

As your aunt, I want you to know how much I love you and how happy I am to see you begin this new journey.

My advice to you is simple: Put God first, love each other with patience, communicate with kindness, forgive often, laugh together, and never stop choosing one another.

Remember that a happy marriage isn't a perfect marriage. It's two imperfect people learning, growing, forgiving, and turning to the Savior together.

Always remember that you are a daughter of God. You are loved, you are precious, and you have so much goodness to offer. Never lose the beautiful person Heavenly Father created you to be.

I pray that your home will be filled with the Spirit, your hearts with gratitude, your days with laughter, and your marriage with a love that grows deeper through every season of life.

And when life gets hard, remember the promise found in 3 Nephi 14:25: A house built upon the rock will stand when the storms come.

Build your marriage upon the rock of Jesus Christ.

I love you, JJ. May your love story be filled with faith, joy, beautiful memories, and blessings beyond what you can imagine.

With all my love,

Aunty JayLynn 💙🤍

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